


Cucumbanned

by KandiSheek



Series: Kinktober 2019 [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Is a Good Bro, Comedy, Crack, For enabling him, Funny, Gen, Inanimate Object Porn, Kinktober, Kinktober 2019, M/M, Medical Doctor Bruce Banner, Object Insertion, but so is Steve, kink gone wrong, tony is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 01:47:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20940269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek
Summary: In which Bruce still isn't that kind of doctor and Tony really should think twice before shoving things up his ass.





	Cucumbanned

**Author's Note:**

> This one is more crack than anything else but I hope you still enjoy it. Bruce and Tony friendship for the win! (Also I couldn't resist bringing a Stony reference in there because they're my babies and I love them). Thanks for reading!
> 
> Kinktober Prompt 07: Object Insertion

“Okay, let me just break it down real quick,” Bruce said with forced calm, taking off his glasses so he could rub at his eyes. “You came to my lab while I'm neck deep in a research project because you stuck a ten inch cucumber up your ass and you can't get it out.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Tony said, not an ounce of shame in his voice, and Bruce had never wished so desperately for someone to come in and shoot him in the head. Just end his misery.

“Okay.” Bruce took a deep breath. “So you want me to dig it out.”

Tony wrinkled his nose. “Well, I'd prefer for you to lovingly caress it out of there but basically yeah. I'd like it gone please.”

Bruce nodded, taking a moment to lament his entire existence before he turned to the side table, fetching a pair of rubber gloves and some medical lubricant.

“What, you're not even gonna ask me how it happened?” Tony asked and Bruce had to remind himself that strangling his teammates was not helpful for anyone involved.

“I don't want to know, Tony.”

“But it's a funny story,” Tony said, smiling brightly at Bruce. “See, I was late to a board meeting and just passing by the kitchen to grab a snack when Steve startled me and I fell. Onto the cucumber. Which spontaneously lodged itself in my ass. Funny how that works.”

Bruce stared wordlessly for a second before Tony snorted and then they were both laughing hysterically until Bruce was hunched over his desk, his lungs hurting from the strain.

“Oh my god, Tony. I actually hate you.”

“What? You're always saying you're not that kind of doctor. Now you know what it would be like,” Tony chortled. “Seriously though, it was an accident. I mean, don't get me wrong, I definitely wanted to put it in my ass.” Tony shrugged unapologetically. “Just lost my grip on the way in. Didn't think to attach a string or whatever.”

“Sure. Putting a string on a cucumber so it won't get lost in your ass. How could you forget,” Bruce deadpanned as he donned the gloves and lubed up his fingers. Tony just grinned.

“I'm a genius. I usually think about these things.”

“That's not reassuring at all,” Bruce said, motioning for Tony to get into the medical chair. “Alright, just. Put your feet here. Okay.” He examined Tony's asshole with quick movements, getting a flashlight to see how deep into his anal tract the cucumber was lodged. “I think your internal sphincter might not be stretched enough to push it back out on its own so I'll start there. If that doesn't work we'll try to massage your gastrointestinal tract and see if we can encourage a bowel movement.”

Tony moaned obnoxiously as he spread his legs even further. “Oh yes, talk science to me!”

Bruce rolled his eyes, pointedly not looking at Tony's bare ass as he slid two fingers inside him, stretching him with efficient movements. “I'd like to say I can't believe you're so shameless about this but well...”

Tony grinned, face twisting a little in discomfort as Bruce opened him up. “What can I say, I'm just – ow! Hey, little gentle there.”

“Sorry,” Bruce said, thoroughly unapologetic as he inserted a third finger. “You're making me remove a cucumber from your ass, I don't think you get to make demands.”

“Harsh,” Tony sighed, wincing a little. “I'm sorry you have to do this by the way. I wanted to just wait it out until I had to take a shit or something but Steve insisted –“

Bruce froze. “Steve?”

“Oh, uh,” Tony's eyes widened. “Oops, um – Nope, Steve definitely had nothing to do with this, don't know what came over me.”

Bruce groaned, hanging his head in exasperation. “Oh my god, Tony, I didn't need that mental image!”

“Then stop thinking about it,” Tony advised oh so wisely and Bruce had to resist the urge to smack him upside the head. Why the fuck did he still put up with Tony's bullshit?

“Let's just get this done,” Bruce sighed, getting back to the task at hand. As it turned out just stretching wasn't enough to get the – _ugh,_ the cucumber to start moving on its own, so Bruce pressed his hand to Tony's stomach, massaging downwards with firm pressure as he held Tony open on his spread fingers –

And Tony grunted unabashedly as the piece of produce slipped out of his ass all at once with such velocity that it slid right though Bruce's hands and landed on the floor with a wet splat. For a moment they both just stared at the glistening cucumber on the ground before Bruce shook himself out of it, eyes closing at the oncoming headache he could feel in his temples.

“I'll never be able to unsee that.”

“Sorry,” Tony said with less than appropriate mirth in his eyes. “Just...” And then he broke into laughter, holding his stomach with both hands. “Oh my god, Bruce, I had that in my _ass!”_

“And whose fault is that?” Bruce asked but he couldn't quite hide the smile on his face as he got rid of the gloves and Tony continued howling with laughter. “If you're gonna have a nervous breakdown please do that in your own room.”

“No, no, I'm fine,” Tony wheezed, holding up a hand. “Holy shit. I guess ten inches was a bit ambitious, wasn't it?”

“I don't know,” Bruce said dryly. “It fit a little too well, don't you think? Maybe you've just gotten too accommodating.” He gave Tony a mockingly stern look. “As a doctor I have to advise you to cut back on the use of overly large produce in your anal play, Mr Stark. Also, if you ever try anything like this again, please at least use a condom.”

Tony stared at him in disbelief for a second before he snorted, a wide grin spreading over his face. “Sure thing, Dr Banner. Thanks for making the time.”

“Try not to make it a routine visit,” Bruce said long-sufferingly and Tony laughed as he left, cheekily saluting Bruce over his shoulder.

Bruce sat in his chair with a sigh, wondering not for the first time whether or not memory erasure technology was a viable research project when his eyes fell on the lubed up cucumber still lying in the middle of the floor. He wrinkled his nose.

Looks like he was firing up the incinerator today.


End file.
